Commandments Of The Garage
1.The garage shall be forever kept as the sacred realm of the
2.The garage shall not be cleaned, except in cases of extreme need, such as
when a pair of holy Vise-Grip locking pliers hath gone missing.
3.Sawdust, grease, and oil are the holy sacraments of the garage, and thus must
never be disposed of in haste or with malice.
4.Honor thy rags.
5.Complaineth not when the Man's Friends cometh over to work on a
four-wheel-drive vehicle on a Thursday night until 2:00 a.m. Be thee grateful
that the Man and his Friends are not attending stimulating performances of
voluptuous harlots at Shotgun Willies on this evening.
6.Thou shalt not remove the beer bottles from the front yard before work in the
garage hath yet been completed. Yea, the front yard must be considered an
extension of the garage when the garage door remaineth in an upright and
horizontal position.
7.Honor the Man and his Friends at all times, even when one of these Friends
dropeth a heavy steel truck wheel in the driveway at 12:30 a.m., awakening
thyself and wrathful neighbors who calleth to complain.
8.Storeth not antique doll houses in the garage.
9.Thou shalt not ask the Man to bring in the groceries when you see that his
hands are greasy, or that he is underneath a car working on the evil U-joint.
10.Adjust not the volume of music that playeth in the garage. Impose not your
questionable music tastes on those who savor the druidic chant of Rage Against
The Machine at 11 p.m.
11.Borroweth not the hammer of the Man which hangeth in position on the blessed
pegboard. If thou breakest this commandment, at least have the courtesy to
place the hammer back in correct position on the blessed pegboard. No, putting
it on the workbench isn't good enough---how wouldst the man know to looketh
there?
12.Tools of the garage shouldst remain in the garage at all times, excepting
when the Man shall use them for home repair, in which case the sacred tools
must remain wherever the Man leaves them, verily including even the kitchen
counter and the upstairs hallway.
13.Leaveth not the tools of the Man on the back porch, lest they become rusty
from rain.
14.Loaneth not the tools of the Man to your fishy work friends who hath not
earned tools of their own.
15.Pulleth not your car into the garage whilst a repair doth transpire in the
other bay. The space is needed for many great deliberations and ritual beer
drinking. Considereth any snow removal that may be required from your vehicle
the next morning as a small penance to pay in comparison to the bloody
knuckles, hangover, and bodily suffering borne by the Man.
16.Closeth the trash can at all time, lest the stinking odor of cat poop foul
the air.
17.Covet not the eleven Phillips head screwdrivers on the Man's pegboard, and
cast not thy insults on the Man's need for additional screwdrivers in the
future. Each screwdriver serves a unique, substitution-impossible purpose.
18.Thou shalt not remove the multitude of straightened, oddly-formed,
spray-paint-encrusted coat hangers dangling from the garage ceiling. Resist the
temptation to dispose of these humble tools, and your rewards shall include a
freshly painted iron planter---as soon as the Man finishes working on his bike,
car or four-wheel-drive vehicle, of course.
19.Maintaineth a minimum of six yo-yo's (retracting tape rulers), or findeth
not one when needed.
20.A man's worth shall be measured by the number of cans of partially used
spray paint on his shelves. However, the Man will never have the right color
for the job at hand.
21.Obey the Flat Surface Rule. Always put down the tool you are using on the
nearest flat surface. Then look for it elsewhere---stopeth for a beer when
discouraged.
22.Respect the large piece of cardboard against the garage wall. The Man useth
it to lay on when he is under the car. Touch it not, lest lightning strike thee
dead.
23.I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air
impact wrench in thy own garage.
24.Thou shalt love the smell of grease as thou loveth thyself.
25.Take not the name of GOJO Creme Formula hand cleaner in vain, especially in
the fruity lemon scent.
